Free thoughts...
Melancholia...
It's 1 A.M., and I've got those thoughts again. No, not thoughts that involve naked women or wanton violence...(maybe later).
Really, it's just those thoughts when...for no reason at all...I get a little depressed/down about God only knows what.
Well, it's different things. Like my job...I love it, but so far it's not financially lucrative (that's not a gripe about what I do by any means, nor is it an attempt to blame people for it)...it's just a realization. Still, I guess I can relax. We've reduced debt, sold a house, and even got a letter in the mail today stating our mortgage payment was going DOWN...which is awesome...
But still...I'm starting to think about my retirement, etc., and REALLY wishing I had more going for me by this age in my life...
Or...I'm depressed about doing the whole 'raising a newborn baby' thing all over again starting in May.
Or...well, this is probably most of it...that long, hard look at my own life and finding many things lacking. I'm out of shape. I don't achieve my full potential in things I put my mind to. In the past, a lot of this was just ADHD, but that could easily be remedied by forcing myself to 'focus.' But, in this case, I'm still recovering from a lot of depression issues...a full 3 years later. The depression itself is gone, but there are lingering 'issues.'
My past depression was not a "down" feeling like tonight, but the real "brain/chemical imbalance" thing that requires therapy and medication. That was me...when I realized depression was a very real part of my life in the summer of 2001. When I felt like doing NOTHING. Well, by now, you guys probably know the details...if you don't, I won't bore you here. Let's just say it took a toll on my health, my marriage, and...well, everything...
During that time (and the years leading up to it), I developed the really bad self-perspective that I was not worth anything. Not good enough to do anything. Not good enough to get a good job, etc., etc. Not just self-pity, but a view of self seen through the lenses of clinical depression. And even today, though I don't suffer from depression, some of those symptoms linger. I'm pessimistic. Though, I love what I do, I wonder, "When will it come to an inevitable end?" No one's given me any clues to suggest that will happen. No gripes coming from the person over me. No criticism from my spouse. Just an inner "doubt" that ANYTHING will really work out in this screwed up world.
I prayed and prayed that my last situation would turn into the job/career I was always promised...good pay, good hours, doing what I loved. But even after 4 years, that NEVER materialized.
So, now I'm just hesitant to get my hopes up.
Which sucks, because I have every reason to. Like I said, I love what I do. And I'm a part of something that's growing every week. I've got good friends (around here somewhere), a good wife, and an awesome daughter. Yada yada...
But, when you've been on a recovery road, it's not as simple as just looking at what's around you and going, "Gee, it's good now." Well, it might help sometimes to do that, but it's more like treating the symptoms than curing the disease.
How much should my faith help me with these feelings? Probably more than I let it. In the end, God's carried me through everything that's happened...good and bad, and I don't know why it's so hard to see that.
The problem is with me. And I just hope that these 'mental patterns' of self-doubt, etc. that I fall into can one day be erased from my mind altogether. At least nowadays, these moods pass (they didn't use to).
Here's to hoping.
Now don't go jump off a bridge or anything if I've depressed you by sharing my thoughts.
Unless you want to. With a bungie rope...tied to your ankles, not your neck...
On a side note, I installed Tribes: Vengeance last night on the PC...and I can't stop playing it. I never played either of the first two installments (though I played the related giant-mech game "Starsiege" years ago before the days of 3D acceleration...and it sucked. This one is pretty good, though. The single player is great, and the multiplayer is like a mix between UT2004 and...well...nothing...it's just a good game in it's own right. Jetpacks, ski moves...HUGE maps...
Also played the demo for Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault. OMG...I'm glad it's not real. It's accurate depiction of WW2 is some freaky stuff...it will certainly give Call of Duty a run for its money.
Ordered a laptop bag from Amazon.com a little while ago for the laptop Stacey and I ordered this week from Dell during their $750 off sale. A laptop nearly half price? Good stuff...
Anyway, sorry for the Wendy-esque changes in topics (There's a sale at Goody's...)...but it helps...
It's 1 A.M., and I've got those thoughts again. No, not thoughts that involve naked women or wanton violence...(maybe later).
Really, it's just those thoughts when...for no reason at all...I get a little depressed/down about God only knows what.
Well, it's different things. Like my job...I love it, but so far it's not financially lucrative (that's not a gripe about what I do by any means, nor is it an attempt to blame people for it)...it's just a realization. Still, I guess I can relax. We've reduced debt, sold a house, and even got a letter in the mail today stating our mortgage payment was going DOWN...which is awesome...
But still...I'm starting to think about my retirement, etc., and REALLY wishing I had more going for me by this age in my life...
Or...I'm depressed about doing the whole 'raising a newborn baby' thing all over again starting in May.
Or...well, this is probably most of it...that long, hard look at my own life and finding many things lacking. I'm out of shape. I don't achieve my full potential in things I put my mind to. In the past, a lot of this was just ADHD, but that could easily be remedied by forcing myself to 'focus.' But, in this case, I'm still recovering from a lot of depression issues...a full 3 years later. The depression itself is gone, but there are lingering 'issues.'
My past depression was not a "down" feeling like tonight, but the real "brain/chemical imbalance" thing that requires therapy and medication. That was me...when I realized depression was a very real part of my life in the summer of 2001. When I felt like doing NOTHING. Well, by now, you guys probably know the details...if you don't, I won't bore you here. Let's just say it took a toll on my health, my marriage, and...well, everything...
During that time (and the years leading up to it), I developed the really bad self-perspective that I was not worth anything. Not good enough to do anything. Not good enough to get a good job, etc., etc. Not just self-pity, but a view of self seen through the lenses of clinical depression. And even today, though I don't suffer from depression, some of those symptoms linger. I'm pessimistic. Though, I love what I do, I wonder, "When will it come to an inevitable end?" No one's given me any clues to suggest that will happen. No gripes coming from the person over me. No criticism from my spouse. Just an inner "doubt" that ANYTHING will really work out in this screwed up world.
I prayed and prayed that my last situation would turn into the job/career I was always promised...good pay, good hours, doing what I loved. But even after 4 years, that NEVER materialized.
So, now I'm just hesitant to get my hopes up.
Which sucks, because I have every reason to. Like I said, I love what I do. And I'm a part of something that's growing every week. I've got good friends (around here somewhere), a good wife, and an awesome daughter. Yada yada...
But, when you've been on a recovery road, it's not as simple as just looking at what's around you and going, "Gee, it's good now." Well, it might help sometimes to do that, but it's more like treating the symptoms than curing the disease.
How much should my faith help me with these feelings? Probably more than I let it. In the end, God's carried me through everything that's happened...good and bad, and I don't know why it's so hard to see that.
The problem is with me. And I just hope that these 'mental patterns' of self-doubt, etc. that I fall into can one day be erased from my mind altogether. At least nowadays, these moods pass (they didn't use to).
Here's to hoping.
Now don't go jump off a bridge or anything if I've depressed you by sharing my thoughts.
Unless you want to. With a bungie rope...tied to your ankles, not your neck...
On a side note, I installed Tribes: Vengeance last night on the PC...and I can't stop playing it. I never played either of the first two installments (though I played the related giant-mech game "Starsiege" years ago before the days of 3D acceleration...and it sucked. This one is pretty good, though. The single player is great, and the multiplayer is like a mix between UT2004 and...well...nothing...it's just a good game in it's own right. Jetpacks, ski moves...HUGE maps...
Also played the demo for Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault. OMG...I'm glad it's not real. It's accurate depiction of WW2 is some freaky stuff...it will certainly give Call of Duty a run for its money.
Ordered a laptop bag from Amazon.com a little while ago for the laptop Stacey and I ordered this week from Dell during their $750 off sale. A laptop nearly half price? Good stuff...
Anyway, sorry for the Wendy-esque changes in topics (There's a sale at Goody's...)...but it helps...
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