Get it off me...
Ever get overwhelmed? Stacey and I had a long conversation last night about my recent state of feeling 'overwhelmed.'
I'm not overwhelmed with things I need to get done and/or finding time to do them...
My feelings of being 'overwhelmed' are weirder than these normal things...
I have one of those personalities that just 'resonates' with other people's issues and problems. If you're not having a good day, then I'm not having a good day. That sort of thing. It's hard to explain. I can be having a perfectly good day, then read/hear about something someone's is going through or something stupid someone's said or done, and - BAM - I can think of little else for hours...
What I do know is that it's not just a personality quirk. It's also a 'spiritual' thing for me. 'Cause, usually, I'm not overwhelmed by other problems that people CANNOT help. I am only overwhelmed by the ones they can. You lose your familiy in a tragic shrimping boat accident, and I can handle that. But do something stupid, and I just ache...and don't know what to do.
I guess that could be interpreted as judgmentalism sometimes, when it's not. It's pain, pure and simple...pain of watching stupid stuff happen and there's nothing I can do to help.
-When one of my best friends in Birmingham started rejecting God, it made me depressed for weeks. It still troubles me to think about it. And why should I? He's moved to Austin, TX. I don't talk to him. I don't see him. But this is a guy I watched God do amazing things through in helping him recover from drug addiction and avoid a life that LITERALLY almost killed him. To watch him gradually reject God's work in his life is deeply depressing for me...
-When another friend of mine (also in Texas) called and informed me one night that he'd gotten into drugs and a dangerous relationship with a girl, it ruined my whole evening (phone call happened at a 'relaxed' small group one night, and I went from happy to depressed instantanously). This guy was a LEADER in a church plant I was involved in. He was someone I looked up to for his commitment to working hard in ministry. But...bam...he rejected pretty much everything he believed in, too...
-'Malfunctions' in a group of friends bothers me when they happen, too. 'Cause most of them happen over stupid, over-analyzed bull crap, yet lead to tension and a general feeling of not knowing what to say/do... I've seen these happen in EVERY group of friends I've been a part of since high school. People who know better...Christians professing love and a desire for GODLY relationships...but still allow friendships to get consumed by petty jealousies, misunderstandings, selfish feelings...
-Profanity and unchecked thought-vomiting (in Christians) bothers me, too. Sorry...it just does. It boils down to this: I talked to someone yesterday who's observed this firsthand in people they have looked up to, and this person's exact words were: "They're not the people I thought they were." .... I wanted to vomit. Why are we so callously indifferent to the impact our 'talk' has on people whom we don't even know it impacts?? People who might look up to us... There's that urge to vomit again...
I want to be the one to scream WTF? (flip) when I see this stuff happen. Like I said, it actually causes me pain to watch people who know better to wallow in everything from sinful behavior to self-pity to withdrawal from the world to rejecting good things in the name of 'freedom' or 'recovery.' I know! I know! I sound like a politician..."I feel your pain." Or that goofy counselor on Star Trek who 'felt' other people's emotions.
Um...that's not it. But, as I said, I do feel overwhelmed about it at times. As if all the good stuff God has done/can do/will do in people is only thwarted by our own...shortcomings. Don't get me wrong, I know that my own actions have caused empathetic pain in others, too...as they've had to be the ones to sit there and watch me be stupid.
I just can't get it out of my mind...like that 'Movin' song from the 1980s. I wish there was a simple "off" switch to this. I've tried. I've read/heard/observed crap happen, and I tell myself, "I don't care" over and over and over again...only to realize that I'm 'faking' apathy. I've also tried telling myself, "It's none of my business" or "I'm too worked up about it" or "Patience, Daniel-son." And...though this helps to 'numb' the pain sometimes, the pain usually doesn't go away...
Funny thing is, apart from this, I've got no pain about anything else. Weird.
Aaaaaggghhhh....
I need a solitude retreat myself...
I'm not overwhelmed with things I need to get done and/or finding time to do them...
My feelings of being 'overwhelmed' are weirder than these normal things...
I have one of those personalities that just 'resonates' with other people's issues and problems. If you're not having a good day, then I'm not having a good day. That sort of thing. It's hard to explain. I can be having a perfectly good day, then read/hear about something someone's is going through or something stupid someone's said or done, and - BAM - I can think of little else for hours...
What I do know is that it's not just a personality quirk. It's also a 'spiritual' thing for me. 'Cause, usually, I'm not overwhelmed by other problems that people CANNOT help. I am only overwhelmed by the ones they can. You lose your familiy in a tragic shrimping boat accident, and I can handle that. But do something stupid, and I just ache...and don't know what to do.
I guess that could be interpreted as judgmentalism sometimes, when it's not. It's pain, pure and simple...pain of watching stupid stuff happen and there's nothing I can do to help.
-When one of my best friends in Birmingham started rejecting God, it made me depressed for weeks. It still troubles me to think about it. And why should I? He's moved to Austin, TX. I don't talk to him. I don't see him. But this is a guy I watched God do amazing things through in helping him recover from drug addiction and avoid a life that LITERALLY almost killed him. To watch him gradually reject God's work in his life is deeply depressing for me...
-When another friend of mine (also in Texas) called and informed me one night that he'd gotten into drugs and a dangerous relationship with a girl, it ruined my whole evening (phone call happened at a 'relaxed' small group one night, and I went from happy to depressed instantanously). This guy was a LEADER in a church plant I was involved in. He was someone I looked up to for his commitment to working hard in ministry. But...bam...he rejected pretty much everything he believed in, too...
-'Malfunctions' in a group of friends bothers me when they happen, too. 'Cause most of them happen over stupid, over-analyzed bull crap, yet lead to tension and a general feeling of not knowing what to say/do... I've seen these happen in EVERY group of friends I've been a part of since high school. People who know better...Christians professing love and a desire for GODLY relationships...but still allow friendships to get consumed by petty jealousies, misunderstandings, selfish feelings...
-Profanity and unchecked thought-vomiting (in Christians) bothers me, too. Sorry...it just does. It boils down to this: I talked to someone yesterday who's observed this firsthand in people they have looked up to, and this person's exact words were: "They're not the people I thought they were." .... I wanted to vomit. Why are we so callously indifferent to the impact our 'talk' has on people whom we don't even know it impacts?? People who might look up to us... There's that urge to vomit again...
I want to be the one to scream WTF? (flip) when I see this stuff happen. Like I said, it actually causes me pain to watch people who know better to wallow in everything from sinful behavior to self-pity to withdrawal from the world to rejecting good things in the name of 'freedom' or 'recovery.' I know! I know! I sound like a politician..."I feel your pain." Or that goofy counselor on Star Trek who 'felt' other people's emotions.
Um...that's not it. But, as I said, I do feel overwhelmed about it at times. As if all the good stuff God has done/can do/will do in people is only thwarted by our own...shortcomings. Don't get me wrong, I know that my own actions have caused empathetic pain in others, too...as they've had to be the ones to sit there and watch me be stupid.
I just can't get it out of my mind...like that 'Movin' song from the 1980s. I wish there was a simple "off" switch to this. I've tried. I've read/heard/observed crap happen, and I tell myself, "I don't care" over and over and over again...only to realize that I'm 'faking' apathy. I've also tried telling myself, "It's none of my business" or "I'm too worked up about it" or "Patience, Daniel-son." And...though this helps to 'numb' the pain sometimes, the pain usually doesn't go away...
Funny thing is, apart from this, I've got no pain about anything else. Weird.
Aaaaaggghhhh....
I need a solitude retreat myself...
2 Comments:
isn't your life just one big solitude retreat??
jk.
job 42 2 - i know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
isaiah 14 27 for the lord almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him?
don't worry, we can't thwart god. thank god.
um...and i would try and avoid the usage of WTF after ranting about profanity.... even if you do rationalize it with (flip) afterwords....
But that's exactly why I specified the word "flip."
Got your attention, didn't it? And I didn't ACTUALLY use profanity...
heh...
Shall we dance?
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