Spocked
(odd post...just kinda went with a stream-of-consciousness in writing this)
Spock was the emotion-less guy in Star Trek. "Logic dictates..." and all that. Though I'm not logical and I don't have pointy ears, I can certainly empathize with something my buddy Chad blogged about lately - that 'numbness' you feel when you've been wounded and burned out.
Like he said, sometimes I find it's hard to get excited about stuff. Great things can happen around me, and I'm often the first to be skeptical or over-rational or, at the very least, non-responsive. I've even written off a lot of the religious 'experiences' I've heard people tell of as 'sappiness' or 'cheesiness.'
It's as if the places in our eyes that create tears don't work anymore. Or the place in our heart that generates laughter is out of fuel. Strangely, anger seems to still be an easy one. Maybe easier than ever. Last night, someone told me I was just 'getting old.' No wonder so many old people are so...crotchety. The rate I'm going, I'll be the quintessential grumpy old man by the time I reach 65.
Sad...heh
Really, though, I want to recapture the joy and excitement about things I used to feel. I want to be less hard on people...less skeptical about things that happen...and re-open myself to the possibility that good things can still happen and they're worth getting excited about.
In spite of the pain MCC inflicted on me, I can't believe that the emotional high points and great experiences that I had there were not genuine. True, there were a lot of spiritual 'junkies' who - as Chad said - bounced from Bible study to Bible study, conference to conference, worship service to worship service - like a drug addict trying to get the next spiritual 'fix.' I remember approaching one girl about this, and she got so pi$$ed at me. "If I'm seeking God, how can that be wrong?" How do you answer that without just deepening the rift?
And there were those in this circle who wouldn't raise a finger to help someone in need or live out the kind of 'community' they claimed to value.
My high points (though some were tough): Being on a mission trip and seeing middle school kids doing awesome things and connecting with God for the first time. Seeing God answer prayer almost supernaturally before my eyes once. Seeing friends like Ben come to Christ in spite of years of alcohol and drug addiction. Seeing Ben again sitting on a futon in my computer room weeping as he's suffered a relapse of alcohol addiction, but feeling amazed that I could help him at that moment.
Today...now I'm more prone to skepticism. No more mission trips... It's been a long time since I've experienced something supernatural... Even Ben's had his share of struggles with his faith since the great 'thud' hit our AXCESS group at Mountaintop. On top of this, I'm surrounded by wounded people...and we inadvertantly fuel this bitterness in one another as we constantly relive over and over in our conversations the moments that caused us so much pain.
But does that mean that the good things that happened back then were not real and could not happen again?
I think the mistake I make in looking back on a lot of things is that I often mistake the experiences as my own, when, in fact, I was only partaking in someone else's experience. This is important. Let me explain...
When I was a new Christian, I felt like God broke me...convicted me...aroused my emotions in moments of joy and profound brokenness...but over time, this faded. I think this is the point in our spiritual lives that the 'junkies' are made - people become so desperate to rekindle these feelings, that they hop around looking for the next 'fix.' I did struggle with this...
But...I found that the trick was to not seek my own 'experience,' but rejoice when others found it. To be there when a 8th grader gives her life to Christ. To be there when a struggling alcoholic blurts out the words, "I don't want to go down this path again...God's shown me something so much better."
Those were real experiences. And the joy of 'being there' is awesome. Sadly, I think the real roadblock to celebrating these sorts of things today is my own self-focus on trying to get that back for myself, when it doesn't work that way.
I'm sure there's a massive amount of spiritual attack in these things, too. I think Chad used to say he always knew Satan was about to strike when something good was happening...or you knew what you were engaging in was worthwhile if Satan attacked it. Something like that...
The attack has been blatant. Our old community fell apart. Our careers fell apart. We struggled with depression. Left to our own bitterness, we struggled with our own addictions more than ever before. We got to see old friends - and even partners in ministry - throw away their faith or even turn against us.
...
And that emergent, rational person we've become after being 'spocked' into numbness by life...fails to see this. We blame the people (and certainly there was wrongdoing on the behalf of so many in our pasts). We blame ourselves (and, truly, we screw up). We seek counseling (we may need it). We abandon the things that used to hold value to us, fearing they'd hurt all over again if we got involved (and there's some wisdom here to not desire to be fooled again).
But we fail to see the reality that Satan's jumping for joy when he's beaten us. That he ripped us down out our spiritual high point just to prove he could.
Fortunately, it brings a smile to my face to recognize this. Yeah, it reminds me of how much he hates me and will do anything to tear me down...and that's scary. But it also reminds me how much my God scares him...and how much he hates it when we connect with him. If he'll do so much to tear it down, then it must be important. It must be good.
That's why I'm still at it. That's why I haven't thrown in the towel. Though I struggle with my numbness every day, I'm also a bit wiser and more mature. Maybe I'm not as easily excited, but I'm also not as naive. After all, I've learned it's not about me anymore. It's about those around me and their experience. If I'm ever to 'feel' God again, I believe the only way to really do that is to get involved with loving the people he loves so much and celebrating when even just one of them finds that love for the first time.
"The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he's dealt us
points at your flaming hair, and then we're playing hide and seek
I can't breathe easy here, less our trail's gone cold behind us
till' in the john mirror you stare at yourself grown old and weak."
- Poets of the Fall, "Late Goodbye"
Spock was the emotion-less guy in Star Trek. "Logic dictates..." and all that. Though I'm not logical and I don't have pointy ears, I can certainly empathize with something my buddy Chad blogged about lately - that 'numbness' you feel when you've been wounded and burned out.
Like he said, sometimes I find it's hard to get excited about stuff. Great things can happen around me, and I'm often the first to be skeptical or over-rational or, at the very least, non-responsive. I've even written off a lot of the religious 'experiences' I've heard people tell of as 'sappiness' or 'cheesiness.'
It's as if the places in our eyes that create tears don't work anymore. Or the place in our heart that generates laughter is out of fuel. Strangely, anger seems to still be an easy one. Maybe easier than ever. Last night, someone told me I was just 'getting old.' No wonder so many old people are so...crotchety. The rate I'm going, I'll be the quintessential grumpy old man by the time I reach 65.
Sad...heh
Really, though, I want to recapture the joy and excitement about things I used to feel. I want to be less hard on people...less skeptical about things that happen...and re-open myself to the possibility that good things can still happen and they're worth getting excited about.
In spite of the pain MCC inflicted on me, I can't believe that the emotional high points and great experiences that I had there were not genuine. True, there were a lot of spiritual 'junkies' who - as Chad said - bounced from Bible study to Bible study, conference to conference, worship service to worship service - like a drug addict trying to get the next spiritual 'fix.' I remember approaching one girl about this, and she got so pi$$ed at me. "If I'm seeking God, how can that be wrong?" How do you answer that without just deepening the rift?
And there were those in this circle who wouldn't raise a finger to help someone in need or live out the kind of 'community' they claimed to value.
My high points (though some were tough): Being on a mission trip and seeing middle school kids doing awesome things and connecting with God for the first time. Seeing God answer prayer almost supernaturally before my eyes once. Seeing friends like Ben come to Christ in spite of years of alcohol and drug addiction. Seeing Ben again sitting on a futon in my computer room weeping as he's suffered a relapse of alcohol addiction, but feeling amazed that I could help him at that moment.
Today...now I'm more prone to skepticism. No more mission trips... It's been a long time since I've experienced something supernatural... Even Ben's had his share of struggles with his faith since the great 'thud' hit our AXCESS group at Mountaintop. On top of this, I'm surrounded by wounded people...and we inadvertantly fuel this bitterness in one another as we constantly relive over and over in our conversations the moments that caused us so much pain.
But does that mean that the good things that happened back then were not real and could not happen again?
I think the mistake I make in looking back on a lot of things is that I often mistake the experiences as my own, when, in fact, I was only partaking in someone else's experience. This is important. Let me explain...
When I was a new Christian, I felt like God broke me...convicted me...aroused my emotions in moments of joy and profound brokenness...but over time, this faded. I think this is the point in our spiritual lives that the 'junkies' are made - people become so desperate to rekindle these feelings, that they hop around looking for the next 'fix.' I did struggle with this...
But...I found that the trick was to not seek my own 'experience,' but rejoice when others found it. To be there when a 8th grader gives her life to Christ. To be there when a struggling alcoholic blurts out the words, "I don't want to go down this path again...God's shown me something so much better."
Those were real experiences. And the joy of 'being there' is awesome. Sadly, I think the real roadblock to celebrating these sorts of things today is my own self-focus on trying to get that back for myself, when it doesn't work that way.
I'm sure there's a massive amount of spiritual attack in these things, too. I think Chad used to say he always knew Satan was about to strike when something good was happening...or you knew what you were engaging in was worthwhile if Satan attacked it. Something like that...
The attack has been blatant. Our old community fell apart. Our careers fell apart. We struggled with depression. Left to our own bitterness, we struggled with our own addictions more than ever before. We got to see old friends - and even partners in ministry - throw away their faith or even turn against us.
...
And that emergent, rational person we've become after being 'spocked' into numbness by life...fails to see this. We blame the people (and certainly there was wrongdoing on the behalf of so many in our pasts). We blame ourselves (and, truly, we screw up). We seek counseling (we may need it). We abandon the things that used to hold value to us, fearing they'd hurt all over again if we got involved (and there's some wisdom here to not desire to be fooled again).
But we fail to see the reality that Satan's jumping for joy when he's beaten us. That he ripped us down out our spiritual high point just to prove he could.
Fortunately, it brings a smile to my face to recognize this. Yeah, it reminds me of how much he hates me and will do anything to tear me down...and that's scary. But it also reminds me how much my God scares him...and how much he hates it when we connect with him. If he'll do so much to tear it down, then it must be important. It must be good.
That's why I'm still at it. That's why I haven't thrown in the towel. Though I struggle with my numbness every day, I'm also a bit wiser and more mature. Maybe I'm not as easily excited, but I'm also not as naive. After all, I've learned it's not about me anymore. It's about those around me and their experience. If I'm ever to 'feel' God again, I believe the only way to really do that is to get involved with loving the people he loves so much and celebrating when even just one of them finds that love for the first time.
"The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he's dealt us
points at your flaming hair, and then we're playing hide and seek
I can't breathe easy here, less our trail's gone cold behind us
till' in the john mirror you stare at yourself grown old and weak."
- Poets of the Fall, "Late Goodbye"
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