I'm having a "duh" moment...

*This is actually a real book. I don't know anything about it. It's just funny. Like spirituality can be understood in a "for dummies" book.

A month ago, I was standing in a grove of trees in Granger, Indiana. The leaves were falling, the wind was blowing, the air was chilly, yet I was warm in my sweatshirt and I was enjoying the simplicity of being outside in the "quiet" paying attention to nothing but the beauty of my surroundings.

I was playing 'hooky.' I was supposed to be inside the building adjacent to the grove. I was supposed to be listening to some seminar on how to make a good first impression to people. But I needed to be out here. In the grove of trees. Thinking more about God's impression of me than anyone else's.

For the first time in a long time, I felt "connected." In that moment, God was more than a religious or philosophical concept. More than just an idea. More than this 'entity' that is the subject of so much conjecture, speculation, and criticism. More than books can contain. More than my mind could grasp. More than all the ideas the word "G-O-D" invokes in people. In short, he was simply real.

When you have a moment like this, it's honestly kind of embarrassing. It reminds me of when the teacher would call my name in class to answer some pop-question when I was daydreaming about something else. I'd just look at her, embarrassed, as I felt her eyes and the eyes of my classmates staring at my idiotic expression. I could do nothing but say, "What?" sheepishly. Giggles followed from around the room. I hated myself at those moments. Yet I would go right back to daydreaming.

So it was in the grove. It was as if God had asked me to get up and come to the chalkboard to work on an algebra equation, but I hadn't been paying attention.

Actually...I can't explain it without using a metaphor like that. Such is the way of spiritual moments. If I could explain exactly what happened, I feel I'd reduce the experience to something less than it was. But I can say this: Suddenly being aware of God often makes you painfully aware of yourself.

So there I was. God and me. Caught. Suddenly, I felt painfully embarrassed. Ashamed of the things in my life that I keep hidden...secret. The sins that haunt my everyday life...and my past. Things I tell no one. Things I think are safely out of sight if I can just put on a good face and fake having my act together. Not sin as a religious label to my nature or stupid things I do. Not a catch-phrase. But sin as in, "things that suck the joy and peace out of my life" kind of sin. Pain. Guilt. Hopelessness.

As I was walking through the grove, I looked up at the tall trees. Beautiful as they swayed in the wind. But I couldn't help but notice this one big, dead tree in the middle of all the living ones. And, right then, I thought, "That's me." I blend in. I stand tall. But I feel so 'dead' sometimes in the midst of so much life. I'll remain standing until the wind blows me down...or the harsh reality of rot takes over and time eventually leads to my demise.

Again, a metaphor.

And in this moment...I prayed, "I don't want to be that tree."

I want to be alive. I want to be free of things that hang around my neck like a noose.

And in that moment, suddenly I did feel very much alive. Reborn. Loved. Re-connected. And this 'un-namable' experience has been the subject of many of my recent blog entries.

But now...a month later, I'm struggling again. Sure, everything from illness to lack of sleep to the stresses of everyday life have caught up with me. But that's not it.

The problem is with the guy in the mirror. He's really a jerk. He's so concerned with himself sometimes that he too easily gets caught up in selfish things. He's greedy. He's callous. He's lazy. He's weak. He's carnal. He's capable of things I never knew he would be capable of.

It's been a month since my 'grove' experience. Here I am...safely back in my personal rut of existence...away from the discerning eyes of that God who encountered me in the grove. Here, it's easy not to look at myself. To ignore who I am. To imagine that God is now distant now that the experience in the grove has passed.

So here I am. At my "duh" moment. The question is still there: "Kevin, which tree are you?" Alive? Or dead? And I want to scream out loud, "I want to be alive."

Usually, at this point I try to think of how to generate some 'application' out of what's happening. Like..."I've had this revelation, so here's what I'm going to do now."

Not this time. This time, it's not that easy. I don't have that deep 'encounter with God' thing going that I did in the grove. This time, it's just an encounter with myself. And I'm still embarrassed. And all I can say is this: It's easy to pretend. It's easy to forget the s*** that we dump into our lives and try to ignore. It's easy to focus on what we do that's good as if it outweighs all the things that are not good. But...spiritual growth of any kind...doesn't really happen until we're willing to expose all that crap for what it is. To get it out in the open. The spiritual equivalent of indecent exposure.

After all, how can we honestly overcome the dark aspects of our lives if we're not even willing to face them head on?

To ignore the flaws is hypocrisy. To flaunt them is arrogance. But to wrestle with them...that is, at least, the right place to start.