Personal Reformatting

I love vacations. Lots of time to think. It's strange for me, because vacations for most people are times to get away from everything and not think about anything back in the real world of jobs, responsibilities, and schedules.

Though I spent a lot of time just doing the beach thing, having fun with my kids and my wife, and eating a lot of exotic food, I spent a lot of time just sitting on the balcony - staring at the ocean (from the 8th floor), feeling the wind on my face, smelling the salt in the air, hearing the crash of the waves like thunder on the sand - thinking about my whole life, contemplating where I am spiritually, vocationally, and emotionally.

This past year has been an interesting one so far. It's been witness to some awesome celebrations as I've met new people and seen God do some really cool stuff in the lives of people around me.

It's also been witness to some emotionally torturous times where I've seen friends go their own roads and I'm left wondering if our paths will cross again. Tough, kicked-in-the-groin feeling moments that seem unavoidable in life at times, but painful as hell...

And as with all of life's crises, somehow God takes the negative and - as only a Being possessive of ultimate creative power can - re-creates the situation into something positive and ultimately good. New people, new friends, new job opportunities, freedom to do new things, new ideas, growth.

So here I am, at the end of another summer, looking down the long road of the coming year (my years seem to start in September...dunno why...maybe vacation seems like a break followed by a new start). And as I look back at the old year, it begs several questions about the new one:

1. Who will I be?

What kind of man will I be this year? Somehow I feel like I sometimes do the bare minimum to get by. Sometimes I feel like I put a 120% to get things done. I want to be consistent. I don't want to do anything in my life - family, church, work, whatever - half-assed. I want to be commmitted to what I do. I think God wants nothing less from me. Sure, it's tempting to sit back sometimes and bask in God's grace and reassure myself that everything will work out, but that still doesn't excuse me from being the best person I can be - spiritually, emotionally, physically, vocationally...all that. Sure I can wrap myself up in getting a cool game system, a new guitar, a new car, a new hobby, but those 'materialistic' things do absolutely squat when it comes to making a difference as a human being - designed by God to bear his image in the world. Sure, I can ignore sins that gnaw at me from time to time, but that does not reflect the spirit of love or holiness (they go hand-in-hand) that God wants me to demonstrate to a world that needs me to be more concerned about the people out there than myself.

2. How will I handle tough times?

This past year, I choked. I couldn't speak. I felt the weight of the tough things so heavily on my shoulders I felt like I couldn't move or even breathe. Desperation to see things work out clawed at my mind like a drowning man might claw at his rescuer, but to no avail. The tough times happened, things changed, and in the end I felt more like one of those dazed survivors you see on TV after a hurricane or some other natural disaster. This year, I don't want to be such a wimp. I want to be the guy who can handle the tougher times with courage, with conviction, and love... no matter the outcome.

I get too wrapped up in problems that other people have. On the one hand, I think empathy is a strength. To share the burden of what someone's going through can be an asset in helping them, guiding them, or - if nothing else - just being with them as they face what they face. On the other hand, empathy can be like an anchor that drags you down with a drowning person. I find myself still wallowing in the pains of others after a lot of time has gone by, even though there's not a dang thing I can do to change things. Like the rescuer who gets pulled into the raging water by the person he's trying to save, I suddenly need rescuing, too. I need not be so weak. I should never cease to love and care and empathize, but I need to know and acknowledge my own weaknesses so that I can lolve/care/empathize without drowning myself in the process. And, ultimately, I need to trust God when things do not work out as I'd hoped.

3. Will I make a difference?

Yeah. I led music this morning at church. Whoopty do. Yay. 5 songs and a message did it again.

Okay, sarcasm aside, the service was great. There was energy. I loved it. The crowd reciprocated that. The whole (the experience) was greater than the sum of its parts (5 songs and a message). But too long I'm resting here in this pattern, thinking that I'm doing my part.

I need creativity and innovation to reflect in all I do. Not simply because it's the latest fad or the subject of book after book or conference after conference, but because God is a creative God and, somehow, he's pressed my personality with creativity that's lately remaining untapped. I need to tap into this so that I can become more effective in connecting with people and avoid the pitfall of doing something the same way so long that it becomes stale and ineffective.

I need to expand my ministry off-stage. I need to better plug into people's lives - especially those that aren't in the Christian circle I run with most of the time. Jesus didn't hang out with church people. My life used to be a better reflection of this than it is now. Simply, you can't make much of a difference in the world if you're not out there in the world that needs Christ in the first place. Duh.

4. An unknown goal. I don't know what this one will be. I'm leaving it open-ended. Why? Because I can't package into a few simple statements what I need to do this year. I can't box God up like that. I can't foresee the events that will transpire. I don't know what I'll be reflecting on a year from now (assuming I'm even alive a year from now...sobering idea). But I need to make sure there's room for what God wants to do in my life this year that I'm not yet aware of. Last year was full of surprises I wasn't ready for. I want to be ready this year. Or at least willing.

...

Reading back over this, these things read more like New Year's Resolutions dotted with a few insights. I hate it when writing fails to convey the depth of what I'm feeling.

I guess the bottom line is that - when all the "things" I do are stripped away - at my heart I want to simply be a person who follows God with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength. Period. And if that means God has to re-shape the consumerist/hyper-intellectualist/hedonist/antagonist/retreatist/traditionalist/secularist that I am all too often, then that's what has to happen. I'm tired of "playing" Christian.

Is that being too harsh on myself? Or not harsh enough? Maybe both. I'm not depressed. I'm not down on myself. I'm simply realizing that I'll never reach the potential God has for me unless I'm willing to let him shape me into who he wants me to be.

And though I'd like to think I've done that over the years, I'm certain I haven't done that enough.