Tunnel Vision
I don't quite feel like the same person I used to be. Don't worry...this is not another rant about being out of shape, overweight, or being a parent. Nor is it yet another vomitous discussion about past baggage.
I'm thinking about 'vision.' Not optical, but spiritual. What is my vision?
Lately, I feel like my vision - the God 'possibilities' in my life - is short-sighted. In other words, I don't think I 'dream big' anymore. Considering some of the awesome things I've experienced over the years (so far), you'd think my goals would be loftier. By that I mean...you'd think the things I'd let God challenge and lead me into doing would be more...ambitious (wrong word?)...bigger...more exceptional...more 'grand,' not because of some inherent worth on my part, but because of a strong faith that God can do anything and I'm not going to lot the skepticism of daily living chip away at the real possibilities.
That doesn't mean I want another job. It doesn't mean I want to live somewhere else. It doesn't mean I feel like - somehow - I'm sitting here in a "this doesn't matter" transition phase just waiting for God to yank me out and put me somewhere where real godly things can happen. That's not it at all. I want better 'vision' here...right where I'm at. I'd like to think that I can believe that God can (still) do be things here...in Decatur...in Alabama...at Crosspoint...beyond Crosspoint. I'd like to believe I'm still a man capable of being a part of whatever God does...not because of some warped sense of privilege or innate ability, but simply because I'm willing to believe and take the risks in serving and loving God.
But the truth is, I'm choking on my own skepticism. Though I believe God can still do big things, it's almost become like I don't expect to see it anymore. At least not for me. That's what I mean by a 'lack of vision.' Though part of me believes that some of my narrowed 'vision' is simply the result of maturity or a 'realistic' perspective on the difficulties and personal obstacles/baggage inherent to ministry, I'm beginning to realize that the real reason for my tunnel vision is that I sometimes just don't believe big things are going to happen, anymore. This belief is further exacerbated by the baggage and incredible 'backstepping' of partners-in-ministry gone by...when you see close friends who shared in some awesome 'god things' in times past suddenly (or slowly) extinguish their commitments to anything godly.
The 'big things' God is certainly capable of accomplishing seem so...impossible...when you've let your faith become callous because of the 'rut' of nothing exceptional.
But I want to believe...
I want to believe there's more than just what I/we do now. I want to believe God is going to do something big. I want to believe He IS doing something big, and that it's only my own perspective and skepticism that's preventing me from seeing it, sad as that may be.
Don't get me wrong, I still believe this deep down - in spite of my skepticism. But I want to truly believe it in such a way that all the efforts of my life reflect my belief that God is big and big things are possible/are happening. Otherwise, I'm only reflecting faith in a little God...and what kind of a testimony is that?
"If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out..." Does this passage apply to vision? If so, then things are going to get messy...because I want move past my own shortsightedness...I want to get out of the mundane and routine...I want nothing less than to live a life KNOWING God is capable of doing great things and I recapture a vision (read: set goals) that really reflect that.
I want to break out of the rut of the 'unexceptional.'
I'm thinking about 'vision.' Not optical, but spiritual. What is my vision?
Lately, I feel like my vision - the God 'possibilities' in my life - is short-sighted. In other words, I don't think I 'dream big' anymore. Considering some of the awesome things I've experienced over the years (so far), you'd think my goals would be loftier. By that I mean...you'd think the things I'd let God challenge and lead me into doing would be more...ambitious (wrong word?)...bigger...more exceptional...more 'grand,' not because of some inherent worth on my part, but because of a strong faith that God can do anything and I'm not going to lot the skepticism of daily living chip away at the real possibilities.
That doesn't mean I want another job. It doesn't mean I want to live somewhere else. It doesn't mean I feel like - somehow - I'm sitting here in a "this doesn't matter" transition phase just waiting for God to yank me out and put me somewhere where real godly things can happen. That's not it at all. I want better 'vision' here...right where I'm at. I'd like to think that I can believe that God can (still) do be things here...in Decatur...in Alabama...at Crosspoint...beyond Crosspoint. I'd like to believe I'm still a man capable of being a part of whatever God does...not because of some warped sense of privilege or innate ability, but simply because I'm willing to believe and take the risks in serving and loving God.
But the truth is, I'm choking on my own skepticism. Though I believe God can still do big things, it's almost become like I don't expect to see it anymore. At least not for me. That's what I mean by a 'lack of vision.' Though part of me believes that some of my narrowed 'vision' is simply the result of maturity or a 'realistic' perspective on the difficulties and personal obstacles/baggage inherent to ministry, I'm beginning to realize that the real reason for my tunnel vision is that I sometimes just don't believe big things are going to happen, anymore. This belief is further exacerbated by the baggage and incredible 'backstepping' of partners-in-ministry gone by...when you see close friends who shared in some awesome 'god things' in times past suddenly (or slowly) extinguish their commitments to anything godly.
The 'big things' God is certainly capable of accomplishing seem so...impossible...when you've let your faith become callous because of the 'rut' of nothing exceptional.
But I want to believe...
I want to believe there's more than just what I/we do now. I want to believe God is going to do something big. I want to believe He IS doing something big, and that it's only my own perspective and skepticism that's preventing me from seeing it, sad as that may be.
Don't get me wrong, I still believe this deep down - in spite of my skepticism. But I want to truly believe it in such a way that all the efforts of my life reflect my belief that God is big and big things are possible/are happening. Otherwise, I'm only reflecting faith in a little God...and what kind of a testimony is that?
"If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out..." Does this passage apply to vision? If so, then things are going to get messy...because I want move past my own shortsightedness...I want to get out of the mundane and routine...I want nothing less than to live a life KNOWING God is capable of doing great things and I recapture a vision (read: set goals) that really reflect that.
I want to break out of the rut of the 'unexceptional.'
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