Escape

I need another escape. Already. My vacation was just over a month ago, but it seems like the distant past.

I don't feel stressed, really. I don't really feel depressed or tired. Things (lately, anyway) have been pretty good overall, except that my work load and my 'busy' level has gone up a lot.

But what is it? What makes me want to escape?

I think it's a feeling that I've been consumed. Eaten alive...maybe that's a better description.

The maggots of worry, past experiences, and even others' problems...gnawing away.

Oh, well...

I still think a lot of it has more to do with my state of mind where I'm at rather than just the locality of where I'm at. Wherever I go, there will be issues. Even in the midst of my vacation last month, I found myself surrounded by incredible devastation from last year's Ivan, which served as a grim reminder that even paradise can suck sometimes.

-Sigh- Reality check.

I need to worry less, bitch about things less, and get angry at the people I love less often.

I'm too short-fused. I need to give people more grace - give them the freedom to err and not have it upset me or worry me. Given certain family situations and past job experiences, this is so hard for me to do. But there just comes a time when it's got to be done, or I risk leading a life never satisfied with anyone but me...

And without others, my satisfaction with myself would simply be self-illusion.

I can't manage the world. I can't control what happens next. Life will spin around me, and I'm either braced for the impact of the next personal storm, or I'm trying to blow back the wind with my own breath. What a silly image.

I can snap...even yell at the next person who dares disturb the waters in the illusion of my still waters... But what good will that do? I never had control of it in the first place... Sure, I can set my alarm clock and have dominion over what time I get up in the morning, but that's about it. Heck, even that's illusion if I happen to wake up 10 minutes before it goes off. And after that, who knows what the day will bring. I may have it all mapped out, only to find that the road through the day is more winding than the straight path I'd hoped for.

Hmm... Am I upset about being consumed by daily grind of life and the daily 'plagues' of issues that oozes throughout our (or any) community? Or am I just upset that I'm not the one doing the consumption?

"We have only one thing to give up. Our dominion. We don't own the world. We're not kings yet. Not gods. Can we give that up? Too precious, all that control? Too tempting, being a god?" - Ethan Powell (Anthony Hopkins), Instinct.