Wilderness
Normally, I love the woods. I've often wondered why the wilderness is a metaphor for a negative experience in Scripture. I guess that's a matter of perspective. On the one hand, being driven from a place of comfort/familiarity into a place where life is much harder can be a sort of trial. On the other hand, being freed from a place of comfort and familiarity and being forced to go into a place where you have to trust in something else can be a good thing.
So, what perspective do I have about my own wilderness?
I've noticed that I rarely discuss the church plant I was a part of from June 2001 to January 2002. I rarely discuss it because it was a miserably-failed experiment...because it destroyed friendships rather than edified them...because, honestly, it's embarrassing to talk about, and that's been a mistake.
Fusion (as it was called...laughably, in hindsight) was the endeavor of 6 people, including Stacey. After our experience at MCC, we felt so liberated and free...and 'called' to do this church plant. We poured time, energy, creativity, and vision into the thing. I'll spare you from the details of what went wrong (that's more for face-to-face conversation), but I will say that things DID go wrong and the church plant went belly-up.
Suffice to say, I spent much time in my own personal wilderness from April 2001 to April 2002 (from the day I quit Mountaintop to the day I found out about Crosspoint). That was a very long year: Quitting my job (to liberate myself from the 'system.'), facing depression that had apparently been 'brewing' for years b/c of that job, admitting I needed counseling. In the midst of this, I helped plant Fusion. The church attracted around 30 people before it went bust. I resigned first. Chad resigned next. Then the church folded. Note: Never try to start a church with too much baggage around your neck. AND in the midst of all this, I found out I was going to be a father.
Yikes.
So there I was - in January 2002 - with no income of my own, no certaintly of where I would wind up, and no idea why God chose - at this time in my life - to say, "You're going to be a dad in 7 months." I spent day after day parousing online want ads, wondering how in the heck we could afford to move anywhere. Bills were terrifying things to open. I was getting all kinds of pressure from friends to abandon my search for the 'ideal' job and just take what I could get. But I hung in there, clinging to this vision and calling in spite of incredible defeatism knocking on the door.
And...get this...I "think" I was okay with all this. For the first time in years, I could sense possibilities ahead. Though terrified at the same time of the circumstances themselves, it was the first time in my life that I felt like I wasn't 'doomed' to spend the rest of my life trapped in the same job...living at the mercy of people whom I'd mistakenly given too much power to.
My wilderness. The unknown. I only wandered one year instead of 40, but I wandered.
Then doors opened, and BAM!, here I am.
What is it about the wilderness that's so cool? Just as Israel seemed to do better spiritually in the wilderness after Egypt than they did when they finally made it to the promised land, so do I feel like the wilderness was a great time for me spiritually. As everything I leaned confidence on was gone...my job, my dreams, my own ambition, I was forced to rely completely on God to open doors and lead. For the first time in years, I was free to LET him lead me.
Of course, much of this is hindsight...
But I emerged from the wilderness intact. A bit numb, a bit beat up, but intact. Hopefully, I'm a little wiser from the experience...
Of course, the 'wilderness' is as close as my backyard, if you get my meaning. All it takes is a big bill, a health malfunction, or job malfunction to throw us right back into the bushes. I just hope I have enough clarity of mind and faith that when that happens again that I can look back and remember that God's always been there...
So, what perspective do I have about my own wilderness?
I've noticed that I rarely discuss the church plant I was a part of from June 2001 to January 2002. I rarely discuss it because it was a miserably-failed experiment...because it destroyed friendships rather than edified them...because, honestly, it's embarrassing to talk about, and that's been a mistake.
Fusion (as it was called...laughably, in hindsight) was the endeavor of 6 people, including Stacey. After our experience at MCC, we felt so liberated and free...and 'called' to do this church plant. We poured time, energy, creativity, and vision into the thing. I'll spare you from the details of what went wrong (that's more for face-to-face conversation), but I will say that things DID go wrong and the church plant went belly-up.
Suffice to say, I spent much time in my own personal wilderness from April 2001 to April 2002 (from the day I quit Mountaintop to the day I found out about Crosspoint). That was a very long year: Quitting my job (to liberate myself from the 'system.'), facing depression that had apparently been 'brewing' for years b/c of that job, admitting I needed counseling. In the midst of this, I helped plant Fusion. The church attracted around 30 people before it went bust. I resigned first. Chad resigned next. Then the church folded. Note: Never try to start a church with too much baggage around your neck. AND in the midst of all this, I found out I was going to be a father.
Yikes.
So there I was - in January 2002 - with no income of my own, no certaintly of where I would wind up, and no idea why God chose - at this time in my life - to say, "You're going to be a dad in 7 months." I spent day after day parousing online want ads, wondering how in the heck we could afford to move anywhere. Bills were terrifying things to open. I was getting all kinds of pressure from friends to abandon my search for the 'ideal' job and just take what I could get. But I hung in there, clinging to this vision and calling in spite of incredible defeatism knocking on the door.
And...get this...I "think" I was okay with all this. For the first time in years, I could sense possibilities ahead. Though terrified at the same time of the circumstances themselves, it was the first time in my life that I felt like I wasn't 'doomed' to spend the rest of my life trapped in the same job...living at the mercy of people whom I'd mistakenly given too much power to.
My wilderness. The unknown. I only wandered one year instead of 40, but I wandered.
Then doors opened, and BAM!, here I am.
What is it about the wilderness that's so cool? Just as Israel seemed to do better spiritually in the wilderness after Egypt than they did when they finally made it to the promised land, so do I feel like the wilderness was a great time for me spiritually. As everything I leaned confidence on was gone...my job, my dreams, my own ambition, I was forced to rely completely on God to open doors and lead. For the first time in years, I was free to LET him lead me.
Of course, much of this is hindsight...
But I emerged from the wilderness intact. A bit numb, a bit beat up, but intact. Hopefully, I'm a little wiser from the experience...
Of course, the 'wilderness' is as close as my backyard, if you get my meaning. All it takes is a big bill, a health malfunction, or job malfunction to throw us right back into the bushes. I just hope I have enough clarity of mind and faith that when that happens again that I can look back and remember that God's always been there...
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