Glimpses of the Abyss

Zoloft has made me a better man.

I don't know if I type those words in gratitude for the drug's effectiveness or in sarcasm for the simple fact that I need to take it in the first place. It feels a bit weird admitting it, but I have to take it (at least for now).

Why? I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing, and would not be able to fall back asleep. My mind would be filled with thoughts...worries, mostly...about everything from finances, my future, my family (and the coming addition to that), and even my friends. If you've ever found yourself awake in the middle of the night and all you could do was stare at the ceiling instead of sleep, then you can empathize with me here. In those moments, I'd feel everything from fear of what's happening and what's to come to outright anger and rage about some things I see happening in my life and in the lives of those around me.

I literally made myself sick 2 months ago (read blog posts for details).

Rather than bore myself by listing my worries again, I'll only say that tonight I feel both relief and shame at having to take Zoloft at all. Relief - because it's helped a great deal. My temper's better...my overall moods are better. Great stuff.

Shame - you do the math. I let myself become consumed by the things around me. Consumed by worry. And when I realized that, I even let the guilt of doing so consume me even further.

I dunno. I'm fushu'd in the head, I guess...

Tonight, I'm finding myself concerned that I generally worry more about things going on around me that I cannot control than I worry about my own 'character,' which I am responsible for.

Depression has consumed me at times in my life when I feel trapped...like in my old job. Sure, the change of 'venue' was needed, but I'm bothered that I bitched and moaned about my circumstances back then more than I did about the fact that I was wallowing in my own self- pity. Though the situation sucked indeed, I stretched the blame for my depression and laid that blame squarely on the shoulders of the people I worked for and people I worked with who stood idly by and did nothing to help me.

No one should stay in a situation that tears them down. I know that. But...

But how could I let myself sink so low? Why have I almost done it again with the things I worry about so much now?

Maybe because it's so much easier to point out what's wrong with things around us than to face the darkness lurking beneath the surface of the personae we try so hard to display for the world to see... It's just easier to tell you what's wrong with you than to reveal what's wrong with me and deal with that... It's easier to just run... Maybe...

Or maybe I just need to take another Zoloft....

Fraggle Rock

So, band practice went well tonight. All acoustic. Nice, easy 'atmosphere' to create. At the risk of embarrassing Jordan and Leah, we were laughing hard when they started singing a song that was probably a bit high for their range and wound up sounding like a couple of muppets or cartoon characters (think Alvin, Simon, and Theodore) for the first couple of seconds before it sounded better. Still, if you start laughing when people are trying to solo for the first time, they'll quickly stop singing and never recover. Maybe we'll try that solo-thing again another time with another song :-).

Seriously, it was great to add Leah to the band 'mix' tonight. Aside from our Fraggle Rock moment, everything sounded really good with her and Jordan singing.

...

Dinner at Logan's after band practice hit the spot. Now I'm at home catching up on Seinfeld re-runs (tonight's episode is the one where George goes rock-climbing). How's that for productivity?

Quote of the night: "Is that a worm at the bottom of the tequila?"

1 weekday down, 4 to go...

Spent all day yesterday cleaning out and re-organizing the garage. I guess you have to have seen my garage to know why this is blog-worthy. It's been a disaster...filled with box after box of belongings we've just packed and moved with twice in the past few years. Boxes where we just threw stuff in to get it 'moved' as fast as possible. Boxes full of stuff I haven't seen since I lived in Birmingham.

I filled up 4 trash bags full of junk, and emptied almost a dozen boxes. I moved some of the stuff we wanted to keep into the attic, and made enough room to store things that need to be in the garage. Needless to say, I was very tired after doing all that.

...

After Christmas in January, I bought Kailyn one of those motorized cars she can ride in. Nothing fancy, just this $30 75%-off special from JCPenney.com. Unfortunately, she's been terrified of it from day one. She was fine to sit in it, but as soon as the motor started and the car lurched forward, much screaming and wailing followed. So the car's been taking up space in her closet...

Until yesterday, that is. Though her driving skills are indicative that we'll have high insurance rates one day, she was able to maneuver the car around the driveway once she learned what that big round thing portruding from the dashboard did (that's the steering wheel, folks). In spite of having to retrieve her from the grass and having to run to prevent a collision or two with our real cars parked in the driveway, it was one of those 'proud to be a parent' moments where it was just enjoyable watching her have so much fun.

It's been a fun year watching her grow. If only kids were born as ready-to-go 2-year-olds. I'd love it if the new baby would pop out complete with the ability to talk, walk, and use the bathroom on his own, too.

But, alas...

Real man cook with flame, not with magic

I believe Tim Allen grunted that line on Home Improvement when comparing a grill to a microwave... But, anyway...

Spent part of today getting my gas grill ready for a season of burgers, steaks, and other food that would make Eric queasy ;-). I traded my propane tank for a new one and replaced the regulator between the tank and the burners to correct a 'puny flame' problem I had at the end of last summer. After much stress at getting the old hose assembly off, installing the new one, making a few twists of the knobs and pushing the ignition, that beautiful blue flame of cooking goodness erupted from the burners. If it weren't so freakin' cold outside right now (10:30 p.m.), I'd officially declare the summer season a "go."

After we get through this new kid thing out of the way this coming month, I'll have to round up people like last season for some homemade burgers, steaks, fish, or just sauteed grilled veggies. Eaters' choice, that's the key. You bring it, we cook it...that sort of thing.

Crap. I just salivated on the space bar.

Googly moogly

After this morning's weirdness, the day turned out to just kinda suck. Not so much because of my doctor visit, but because Kailyn's gotten sick...again. Fun. Fever, crying, and respiratory orafices 'oozing' with enough slime to make another Ghostbusters movie. I feel bad for her, as I always do when she's sick.

So, my day was pretty much spent taking care of my kid. The hardest part was to interpret what she wanted when she cried.

Examples: (imagine these phrases uttered by a wailing 2-year-old)

"Ewonamashipst." "Ewonamashipst." = "I (me) want my chips."

"Ah donut medizin" = "I don't want medicine."

"Ah donut takhanap" = "I don't want to take a nap."

"Kailishnahsick. Kailyishokay." = (easy): "Kailyn's not sick. Kailyn's okay."

"Noooooo." = "Why do you have to be the one taking care of me? Where's my mom?"


When I close my eyes, I can still hear the whining. Waaaaaaaa....

Wait, that's just me...

Violated...

Okay, so I go to the doc this morning to have an ultrasound done on my heart. Though my chest discomfort a month ago was the result of pneumonia, the doc insisted on this ultrasound to make sure that pneumonia was my only problem.

Simply put: Lying on a table in a darkened room with my shirt off and having a man smear this green gel on my chest is NOT how I pictured spending a morning. Apparently, the goo they put on the ultrasound 'mic' helps somehow. The whole procedure probably took less than 10 minutes, but it felt like 2 hours, since all I could do was lay there and wait for this guy to get all the pictures of my heart that he needed while he moved the 'probe'/'mic'/'thingy' all over my chest. Then I spent ten more minutes scrubbing green goo off my chest. EEEEEEEEYYYYYYUUUUUUCK!

I guess I didn't know what to expect. I just thought it would be taking off my shirt, sitting there, and letting them do a quick 'photo' of my heart or something. I was there when they did the ultrasound of both my kids, and both didn't take this long COMBINED. When the guy got done, I almost asked, "Is it a girl or a boy?" just to be funny. Instead, I just sucked in my gut, wiped more goo off my chest, and left. I climbed into my manly Expedition and cranked Rick and Bubba on the radio to try and recover any lost testosterone and to try to put the weirdness of the experience out of my mind. Sadly, all they were talking about - ironically - were pregnant women. Curse you, Rick and Bubba!!

I think I need to just spend the day in the garage with power tools or something, so I can overcome this desire to sit around the house and eat pickles.

...

On a different note, Kerry showed up at band practice last night with "Lick It Up" by KISS playing on the stereo in his Impala as loud as he could get it. LOL. It triggered a traumatic flashback to 1983, and it was like 10 minutes or more before I could see straight again and stop shivering. Eric summed up how I felt later as he muttered, "Kiss sucks" as Kerry drove off. Heh. So did most things about 1983.

Later. Gotta go eat a pickle.

Drive with both hands, please...

Had to take Kailyn this morning to the dentist in Madison. Was an easy trip, except for the frustration of being behind some dude on 565 in the left lane who simply would not pass the slow moving tractor-trailer in the right lane. All discussions about patience aside, the guy would speed up, almost giving me room to pass, then slow down. After 10 or more miles of this, it got...irritating.

Normally, such a story is not blog-worthy. But after a few minutes of traveling behind this guy, I observed that every time the guy slowed down, he would pat the top of his head with his right hand. Literally. 10-20 taps to his head. He'd stop tapping then resume a healthy speed. Then he'd tap again, and slow down, apparently losing the ability to drive correctly. This guy had some sort of obssessive-compulsive 'issue,' I think. In any case, I bet he couldn't pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time, either.

Weird...

In other news...

In spite of incredible sleepiness/tiredness due to recent insomnia, I managed to pull through Sunday a.m. at church okay. I cut the repetitive parts at the ends of a couple of songs to 'conserve' energy (heh), but nothing too drastic. Funny, as tired as I was beforehand and as worried as I was about holding up long enough to deliver as worship leader, I never tired during the service and the morning wound up being one of the most moving, exciting, and meaningful services we've had in some time (for me, anyway). More proof, to me, that god-things happen when they're supposed to happen...in spite of 'us.'

I napped most of the afternoon, which was nice, then spent a good amount of time outside enjoying the spring weather. I'm glad the rest of the week is looking to be the same way...

The Man has my money...

April 15. Need I say more?

(insert your favorite expletive here)

Must get some sleep tonight. I've still had much trouble sleeping for the past few weeks. It's getting old. I feel really tired during the day pretty much all the time now. I think that's how I developed pneumonia in the first place last month.

"Last night I had a dream I was an insomniac... I couldn't tell if I was asleep or awake." - Steven Wright, comedian.

Free fallin' and shootin' cats...

Was watching the news today about that wreck on the I-65 bridge yesterday. How that couple (and their dog) survived a 60-foot drop off the bridge in their van is amazing. Here's the story if you missed it.

http://www.waff.com/Global/story.asp?S=3201488&nav=0hBBYaTJ

Pretty amazing stuff.

Also read today how people in Wisconsin wanted to legalize the hunting of stray cats.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,153361,00.html

LOL. Though it appears this effort will be struck down, I think it's pretty funny that someone thought of it at all. Cats are truly love 'em or hate 'em animals, as this effort reveals.

On a different note, one of Stacey's co-workers gave Kailyn a piece of chicken liver when I went by there around lunchtime today. Sadly, Kailyn at the whole piece. I can't even stand the smell of the stuff. My parents always tried to force that crap on me as a kid, and I hated every second of it. Still, it shocked me that Kailyn actually liked it enough to eat the whole piece. But what's more shocking, is that I didn't realize how many people (at least where Stacey works) actually like chicken liver. One of them was chowing down on a big old plate of the stuff. My stomach flip-flopped at the thought of digesting that.

I think I'm going to go eat a bowl of ice cream simply to wash away the imaginary 'taste' of liver I have in my own mouth right now...

Eww...

Fortunately, I got Kailyn home and stuffed her full of normal food for dinner. :-).

Not much

The usual updates: Church = good. Crowd = good. Lunch after church...what's happening to that?

The problem with blogging is that it's not worth sitting down to write something if you don't have anything worth saying.

Life accelerated...

It's been a pretty busy week so far. Fortunately, I finished my end of the video project for Sunday last night. Thanks to everyone who helped out as video subjects: Jared, Ryan, Eli, Emma, Kailyn, Stacey, Wendy, Heidi, Holly, Betty, Lara, Jordan, Michelle, Jack, Leah, Eric, Kerry, Pam, and a few others (mainly kids that I can't remember or spell their names...heh). Got all this filming done Sunday night (with Jonathan C.), Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday, Thursday night... Now I never want to see a camcorder again...

After shooting the video at the Spooners Wednesday night, Stacey and I just hung out over there for a while talking about everything from Saturday Night Live to church. Good time. They share the 'open door' mindset that Stacey and I are used to having. When we lived in Birmingham, we had a mindset that was pretty much, "Our door is always open." For us, that was also a literal thing. Friends like Ben or Chad would just drop by unannounced all the time, and we were fine with that. Whether you 'literally' leave your door open or not isn't the point. The point is to share 'life' with others. I believe such a mindset is necessary for fostering community. It's hard to really share our lives in a real community if our doors are always 'closed,' (figuratively) meaning an Acts 2 community can't really happen unless we risk opening our lives and our homes and our activities to others. I still believe that. Sure, there are times when the door needs to be locked (private, personal time is still a must). I just fear too many people never unlock their lives...

In other news, we have to register today for the baby shower at the end of the month. At least this time, we're registering for a boy, so I get to savor selecting non-girly items this time around. Woohoo! I'm still a bit freaked out about the impending arrival of kid #2, but I was freaked out about Kailyn's arrival, too, so I'm sure I'll be fine when the time arrives. I probably won't be sleeping much, but I'll be fine anyway.

Is it midnight?

No, it's 10 a.m. But it's dark outside as the rain and storms move in. Creepy.

It's been a busy and productive few days. Too much to pause and talk about, actually. I'll just say that between my current video project and projects around the house, I'm keeping busy.

-Boom-...thunder.

Looks like I better go unplug stuff...