Spew time

**UPDATE**

It's been over six hours since Kailyn has thrown up. And she's kept an entire cup of Pedialyte down. Great news. Maybe she's getting better...


**previous info**

My daughter got sick again yesterday. She hasn't been able to keep water down in 24 hours. That's a bit scary. Even the Phenargen that usually calms her stomach is not helping at all.

Last time a stomach virus hit her like this, she was hospitalized and put on an IV to restore her body fluids. I don't want that to happen again. First, it was pretty traumatic on her - walking around with an IV in her arm for nearly 2 days. Second, our 'new' health insurance (one of Stacey's benefits) is lousy. Instead of owing the nice $100 we paid last time for a hospital visit, we could owe thousands, since the new insurance only pays 50% of hospital visits. Good grief.

I really hope Kailyn feels better soon. More time is passing between vomiting fits...maybe that's a good thing.

God help us if the Z gets sick, too. Wow. Or me. Or Stacey (again). Nurse at Kailyn's doctor said this stuff is potent compared to stomach bugs she's seen in the past. Lots of admissions to the hospital. -sigh-

I was never hospitalized as a kid when I caught one of these things. Neither was Stacey. Either our kids' doctor is more educated these days than our doctors were when we were kids, or he's "admission-happy." It's probably the former, but it just seems to me there are a lot of admissions for a lot of kids. Last time, Kailyn's electrolytes got really low, so I know it was a good call. But I was never even tested as a kid for that sort of thing. And I got better (-pause to hit myself in the head with my palm at random-...heh).

Now I'm just babbling on and on...

Hope she gets better soon...

Grinding the clutch...

It's the worst feeling when you're learning to drive a manual transmission. You rev the engine (too high, in fact), let the clutch out, and you hear that whining sound as the clutch attempts to engage. As the car starts to move forward you let the clutch out more (too fast), and the car bucks like a wild horse a couple of times before the engine stalls and you're left sitting in the middle of the road. Might as well have "newbie" on your licence plate.

That was me 19 years ago in Driver's Ed, trying to drive this ancient 70s Toyota around a closed course at the Driver's Ed campus in Chamblee, Georgia. Yikes. Almost made me give up the whole clutch-thing. I would've been fine with that if I hadn't fallen in love with this 1985 white Toyota Supra that I got when I graduated high school. If I wanted to drive it, I needed ot learn to drive a 5-speed. So I did. And now, even our 2004 Mazda 6 is a 5-speed, because my wife and I have found that a manual transmission can just be downright fun to own once you know how to operate one.

...

Unfortunately, life often feels like my experience on that Driver's Education practice course. I'm trying and trying, but everything stalls out.

Lately, I've been really agonizing about this. Too much, I confess.

I know what I want to see happen in a lot of things, but every time I seem to inch forward, the machine starts bucking and sputtering.

I guess I just get hung up on the obstacles that keep the full potential of our lives - our faith, our friendships, our effectiveness - from being realized. I agonize over the theological, spiritual, and self-pitying baggage that still dominates the lives of so many people that I've encountered. (I'm not pointing fingers...the fact that I get hung up on this stuff indicates that I have my own baggage). The simple truth is that baggage weighs us down so much. Pouring salt into old wounds only keeps past pain a present 'indulgent' reality. Theological debate (vs. dialogue) can divide people. Finding flaws in all things engenders an aura of negativity that drowns out things like joy, celebration, and grace. Mistrust, bitterness, and self-serving attitudes are counter-conclusive to building real friendships and making any sort of a difference in our world.

And all this brings me back to the "me" centeredness I've blogged about before. That everything revolves around us.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes:

The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: life is a story about me.

God brought me to Graceland (Don's community) to rid me of this deception, to scrub it out of the gray matter of my mind. It was a frustrating and painful experience.

I hear addicts talk about the shakes and panic attacks and the highs and lows of resisting their habit...but no drug is so powerful as the drug of self. No rut in the mind is so deep as the one that says I am the world, the world belongs to me, all people are characters in my play. There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction.

Wow.

Nothing will kill a vision of real friendships/faith/community/effectiveness quicker than a pervasive vision of self-servitude. I am guilty of this sometimes. A lot of the time. I dunno. Maybe more than I want to admit.

Until we all can learn to contend with the lie that is the "me-" prefix we add to everything we do and instead focus on serving/reaching/helping/loving people no matter what it takes to make it happen, the best we can hope for is lots of false starts and stops, 'issues' that we'd be better off without, and just an overall 'feeling' of discomfort and despair that dominates everything as we fail to see the self-focusing circle slowly close in and choke the possibilities out of our lives . We'll start out, think things are going great, then something will come up...the vehicle will start bucking and fail to accelerate ahead. We'll winding up just staying right where we are. Not going forward. Not going...anywhere.

Of course, God works in spite of us so much, maybe I'm wrong about that. Sometimes all the negative stuff we carry around could be an entry point of how god begins a work in us. But that only happens when we're sick of carrying it and throw up our hands in desperation - and take our eyes of ourselves just long enough for God to start something in our lives.

For me it boils down to this (as I've said recently in another post): I'm either passionate about God, or I'm passionate about me. I have to choose which will drive all my decisions. I have to choose whether I'm going to serve God or my own interests. And I'd better make the right choice.

As Don Miller says: "Nothing is going to change in the [world] until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror."

Viva la Huntsville

We just had to get out of Decatur for a bit today. I originally wanted to head to Nashville, but not finding anyone to go with us, we decided to just say more local and headed to Huntsville.

Did some guitar 'window shopping' today. Though T. Shepard's Guitars has been highly praised by my friends, their selection of instruments was not very good at all. But hey...at least I know where they're located now. Decided to truck on down to AB Stephens, since they're an authorized Gibson dealer (and I don't think anyone else really is). Spent quite a bit of time there playing a couple of nice Gibsons.

First, I played a Gibson Les Paul Smartwood. I almost bought one of these back in 2000 (when I bought my Epiphone Les Paul instead). At the time, I felt more like buying the cheaper guitar PLUS a Boss mult-effects pedal than I felt like spending more $$ on the genuine Gibson Les Paul. In hindsight, that was foolish. The Epiphone's done me justice over the years, but is truly sub-par compared to the Gibsons in everything from tone to playability. Anyway, the Smartwood was nice, but someone had obviously refinished it and the neck actually felt 'sticky' - as in too much varnish or something (nothing gross, just not up to factory quality). Oh, well... It was still a pretty guitar.

I moved on to playing a Gibson SG standard in heritage cherry finish. Now THAT was a nice guitar. Neck was a bit wider than my Fender, but easy to play on. Great tone, too... Downside is it costs a pretty penny. So who knows... I wish I'd had a chance to play some ESP Ltd's that I've also been looking at, but T. Shepard's only carried a couple of 'cheapie' models that did seem pretty cheap.

After all the guitar browsing, we headed to Macaroni Grill. Hooked up with some Lobster Macaroni. Excellent meal. Stacey got the "Mama's Trio" (heh)...chicken canneloni, chicken parmesan, and lasagna.

...

Read this morning that there's now a Guitar Center down in Hoover (Birmingham). Sweet. I don't think I'd mind a trip to B'ham sometimes as much as one to Nashville...probably because I truly know my way around B'ham and can think of a lot of places to go there that I used to frequent. Ahh ...Jim N Nick's BBQ. Sol Azteca. Broadway BBQ. The Purple Onion.

Seems so long ago that I lived there...

...

Off to Jack S.'s in a about 5 minutes for some grillin' and hangin' out. That's always a good time.

Springtime hypothermia

Okay, so January was ultra-warm. Now March is strangely cold. After reading Michael Chricton's State of Fear, I'm no longer a big believer in global warming or "pop theories" of environmental doomsayers. But these last few near-freezing nights at the end of March following a really warm winter is a bit creepy. But maybe - being human - we have this idea of what's normal and what isn't. Blizzard of '93 happened in March. There were 5 inches of snow on the ground at the Birmingham airport on April 5, 1987. So maybe things are more 'normal' than we think. Ebb and flow...something like that.

But why talk weather? All theory and weather-preaching aside, it BE COLD! SCHNAPP! After a disappointing snow season (again), I'm ready for shorts/t-shirts. It'd be nice to have a real spring of moderate weather before the Alabama summer begins. I hate the instant winter to summer or summer to winter transitions.

....

Spent a lot of time last night playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion on my XBOX 360. Wow. Absolutely amazing game... It looks so good and plays so realistically, it's the closest a game has come to taking you and dropping you in a believable 'world.'

Usually, consoles (Playstation, XBOX) have been just minor diversions that I've taken but have always come back to gaming on the PC. But it costs so much to keep a PC up-to-date enough to run newly released games well. It's a technology curve that's a very expensive thing to keep up with. Still, I've always gone back to the PC. The games are generally more immersive, graphics generally better.

But this 360 is proving to be pretty incredible. Cost of console was around $400. But that's 1/3 to even 1/4 of the cost of a high-end PC gaming rig. And I get to play on a 42" screen (vs. 19") from the comfort of my couch instead of a desk chair.

For a guy who loves games, this is blissful. Heh.

...

Naturally, I don't want to doom myself to being a couch potato who's found dead at 87 with a Playstation 20 controller in my hand buried under a mound of cheddar Sun Chips. No siree.

I'm still committed to getting in shape. I've eaten less, and lost about 5 lbs. Small victory, but the exercise thing hasn't happened since I've been sick and coughing so much this past month. But now that all that is passing, I can add that.

I want to get outdoors a lot, too. Not out in my front yard. But camping. Hiking. I've got a new sleeping bag, a new backpack, and I just ordered a new Kelty Gunnison 2 2-person tent from Amazon.com. They dropped the price pretty significantly on it during a sale, so I snatched it up. It promises to be tons better than the heavy Wal-mart special 2-man tent that I got in college. I've already got this huge 6-person tent (with side screen room that's as big as the tent area) which is great for large groups and/or if I take the whole family sometime. But it weighs a ton and it's an agonizing experience to set it up/break it down. So this new Kelty tent should do the trick for the random camping outing with the guys.

Woohoo!

Moments that define us

I think "average" is one of the worst descriptions of anything. But it's a word that pretty much describes most people. "Average Joes." Existences governed by the widely-accepted attitude that it's okay to trudge through life and truly do nothing 'great.'

The trap of average expectations.

It dominates our careers. Our families. Our bodies. Even our dreams aren't safe from mediocrity.

Maybe it's easy to accept "average" as the standard when it sometimes seems so tough just to rise above the status of "below average." If you're 35 and overweight, it's easy to settle for slim and trim without ever pursuing a Vin "Riddick" Diesel or Jessica Alba physique. In a world where living from paycheck to paycheck is difficult enough, it's easy to stick with a menial job and celebrate that you can make ends meet.

So "average" can't be all bad, considering that the adage is certainly true that things "could be worse." And I admit it seems very cocky, arrogant, and even aristocratic to criticize it. It also suggests that I'm not happy in my current life situation.

But I am happy. I'm happy with my wife, my home, my kids, and my job. I've celebrated small things like being able to pay off a credit card debt. I've celebrated things like...watching my kid learn to get dressed on her own. Not a red-letter day like D-Day, but a huge day in the life of a toddler.

But what I hate about "average" is that - whatever "average" means to so many people - it becomes a comfortable shoe that we wear and never even imagine doing something more.

So maybe a better word/mindset to criticize than "average" is "comfortable." Getting so acquainted with the status quos we call our lives that we don't do anything other than what we're used to doing. And the culture dupes us into mediocrity.

Okay...time to quit beating around the bush and just say it:

Why is it so difficult to be passionate about making a difference in our world? I mean...beyond little things that people try to convince us are so important. It's more than driving a hybrid vehicle or recycling our trash. It's more than buying wrapping paper from the kid that comes to our door raising band money. It's even more than the 68 cents per day that guy with the beard on TV tries to convince us will make a difference in the life a child halfway around the world.

Maybe these things do make real differences. I a lot of people do "little" things like these, it's got to add up.

But doing something great has to be more than just a 'fringe' activity in our lives. To truly do something great, I think we've got to be 'sold out' to making a difference. Especially Christ-followers.

We've been duped into thinking that making a difference in our world is attending church once a week. Dumping loose change into an offering basket. Making sure we lead moral lives. Saying "amen" when the pastor says something cool.

Or maybe we think it's being an 'educated' Christian who knows the ins and outs of Calvin and Luther and premillenialism and transubstantiation.

Maybe we think it's voting Republican and scoffing at the poor girl who accidentally got pregnant before she was married. "What an idiot," we think to ourselves.

And Christian becomes a label we were both proudly and fearfully. We'll laugh at the foolishness of the world yet hesitate to pray in public at restaurants.

...

Instead, we ought to be sold-out for this thing that Christ was sold out for. Doing anything/everything to get the message of salvation into the hands of so many people that need it. Not settling for "average" (lukewarm) faith. Not settling for a comfy-cozy watered down Christianity that takes no risk in reaching people.

Passionate...desperate...for the mission.

As I look back at my life, there are few defining moments that illustrate this kind of passion in my life. Maybe there are. Point is, I feel 'average.' I've got a lot of things I want to do 'one day.'

Excuses.

I guess the trick is to get rid of the attitude that says it's all about "me." When it's about "me," I'd rather stay comfortable. I'd rather not take any sort of risk.

So what do I want? Do I want to look back at my life one day and say I was a good "Christian" as culture defines one? Or do I want to look back at my life and truly feel like I did all I could to make a difference?

Come on...this is so simple. I'm either sold out for God.

Or I'm just sold out for me.

Dreaming I'm an insomniac...

I got a whopping 3 hours of sleep last night. That doesn't help the task of overcoming this cough very much, since poor sleep gives me this funky cough anyway. Tried to take a nap after church today, but alas...between coughing fits and the phone ringing, that didn't work, either.

I guess I shouldn't complain. Weekend turned out okay. Friday night, Eric, Jeremy, Jack, and I got to play at Java Jaay. Nice 'acoustic' set of music. First time we've played for 2 hours straight. It certainly was fun, though. Good crowd. I hope we did well. I'm so sick of this cough interfering with all my vocal performances...

Spent much of Saturday shopping around various stops in Decatur: Sears, Office Depot, the mall, Goody's, Shoe Carnival... Actually got pretty bored, but did pretty good at not buying anything...except for some shoes at Shoe Carnival. Gotta love buy one pair, get one half off. Stacey met me there and hooked herself up with some much-needed tennis shoes.

-side note- I've gone the cheap route several times and bought shoes at Wal-mart. I don't know why. Every time I do it, I'm really impressed with the style, but the shoes I buy there simply do NOT last long. Soles wear out. Seams come apart. The last 2 pairs of shoes I bought there just stretched into being uncomfortable after wearing them about 10 times. But, I guess for around $20 a pair (for everything from boots to sandals), you could buy several pairs before you spent the same amount of money on more expensive shoes. However...I'm also learning that cheap shoes are terrible on my feet. They get to hurting pretty bad. So, I hopefully rectified that yesterday by getting some shoes that will actually feel good... They cost more, but at this sale, it wasn't too bad in the end...

...

I've got a lot of things on my mind that would constitute pretty 'deep thoughts,' and our conversation with the crowd at dinner tonight has kept me thinking about some things for quite a bit since I got home... Thoughts about a lot of things...but I'm going to save those when my brain's had a full 8-hours to really process it and communicate it well...

Consider that fair warning...heh.

Addicted to Robitussin

-sigh-

This lingering cough of mine simply will not go away. In fact, over the weekend it got worse. Can't tell if I'm still fighting off lingering symptoms from being sick, a 'new' cough due to pollen allergies, an asthma-related cough I get when I don't sleep well, or a combination of all three - which I truly think is the case.

I've taken antibiotics. I've taken Mucinex. I've taken Singulair. I've even taken this absolutely NASTY cough syrup that leaves a foul aftertaste that lasts literally hours after you take it. Yet, I still fall into coughing 'fits' where I can barely catch a breath and my head starts pounding so much I get lightheaded. Fun, fun, fun. Other than that, I feel just fine. Supwifdat?

Must get well by Friday night for the Java Jaay thing.

4:45 A.M.

Woke up with a sore throat.

(Insert many expletives here in Yosemite Sam fashion).

No fever, and I don't feel bad. Best case scenario is that I've gotten over all my illness just in time for allergy season. Worst case scenario...never mind, I don't even want to think about being sick yet again this year.

Oh, joy.

I may need to take an emergency trip to the beach for some salty air and a change of environment. My freshman year in college, when I'd been down with the sickness a lot followed by some hardcore springtime allergies, I took a spontaneous road trip to the Gulf Coast. I left with a sore throat so painful I couldn't swallow. Two days later - after breathing the ocean air - my symptoms disappeared.

Road trip?

Catching Up

A hodgepodge of things happening in my world...

- Got our taxes done...finally...good thing, too, since we learned we're actually getting a refund this year. Woohoo! Now I can pay off all these freakin' medical bills we've had lately...and put more into the remaining debt we have. If any's left over, I may even get some work done on my Mustang.

- Kids remain sick. Took them to the doc. Now they're on medication, but Zachary had more lab work done for his growth failure and he still has a fever related to an ear infection that he was diagnosed with on Monday. Weird. Lab work all came back negative (which is a good thing, but means his slow growth remains a mystery - other than family history). Kailyn has an ear infection, too. Oh, joy. My throat's been scratchy today. Let's hope it's the result of the high pollen count instead of something else attacking my system (Dana's flu started out with a scratchy throat. -Sigh-).

- Playing at Java Jaay in a week from Friday. That will be the first play-out opportunity we've had in a while. Had an impromptu rehearsal tonight at church. This time, the band will be Jeremy, Jack, Eric, and myself to shake things up (Eric's lined the whole thing up). We get the whole 2 hours to play. We're sticking with a mostly acoustic coffeehouse-type setup (Java Jaay is a coffeehouse, after all). Jeremy's going to play just a small jazz kit and djembe. I'm on acoustic. Had our first rehearsal for it tonight. It's a real challenge to 'acoustic-ize' a lot of our songs ("My Glorious" sounded weird done acoustic, but we managed to create a neat vibe with it). I hope it goes well... If nothing else, it will be fun...

...

Those are the key things happening right now. Overall, I feel very overwhelmed by everything, though. Having sick kids as constant background 'noise' (and I don't mean that to sound void of compassion) makes everything pretty chaotic. I had a lot to get done this week for church, and spending an unexpected 3.5 hours at my kids' pediatrician on Monday didn't help make that happen. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

"I was pondering the immortal words of Socrates who once said, 'I drank what?'" - Chris Knight (Val Kilmer), Real Genius.

Make that two...

Two sick kids now. Both had fevers of 103+ about 30 minutes ago. Waiting on the ibuprofen to kick in before I measure them again.

Good grief. We need some serious 'healing' over here. We're all really tired of this.